A glimpse of my mother heart.

When I was younger (and much less experienced in life), I always wondered to myself why people would talk so much about their kids when I asked how they were doing, or when I would read their blog or christmas cards. I would think to myself, "I asked about you, not your kids!" Now that I am so much "older" (and wiser too) I realize their response is because the kids have become their life. These kids have become my life.

Like most people old enough to reflect on their life, I realize that these memories and relationships are the things that matter most and bring lasting joy and fulfillment, even if they do create many temporary frustrations! Like any hard thing that a person has to work for, the growth and wisdom that I gain daily, as my boys teach me, is worth the tears, frustrations, and feelings of inadequecy. No one said raising stripling warriors was easy, but we can all read about how it was worth it!

I have always felt that so much in my life has come very easily to me. I have felt that I was given many gifts, including a keen mind, athletic tendencies, artistic abilities, etc. Because of these gifts, sports, good grades, etc, came naturally to me. I remember how big of a shock it was to me to discover how hard motherhood was for me, and how devastated I became as I struggled with something that had always come so natural for me. I searched for answers and struggled with feelings of agonizing guilt that I didn't feel the way I should about motherhood.

I have learned first hand how hard motherhood is. I am talking HARD! I am talking tearful prayers, inner battles to fight frustration, anger, depression, guilt, and a host of other overwhelming feelings.

There is NO other substitute for this learning environment. And even through my tears, I am amazed at how great the wisdom and the love our Heavenly Father is. I am amazed because there is no other way for us to experience life's lessons and become the sons and daughters he knows we can be.

So what do I do? I wake up each day, I cry, I laugh, I yell from time to time, I work, I keep moving forward gaining wisdom and experience, because from time to time I am rewarded with a glimpse of the bigger picture. I see growth and refinement taking place in myself, even if it feels painfully slow. I drop to my knees and thank my Heavenly Father for this life he has blessed me with. I keep moving forward because I trust that I am in good hands. I keep striving because, when I look back, the rewards and joy is worth all the pain.